femslashficlets | [249] why are you my clarity? (Nirvana in Fire, Nihuang/Xia Dong)

Title: why are you my clarity? (AO3)
Fandom: Nirvana in Fire
Pairing: Mu Nihuang/Xia Dong
Rating: G
Prompt: Clear
Word count: 901
Summary: When the chance comes to see Nihuang again, Xia Dong always wants to be hesitant, reluctant. And yet she never truly is.

In Jinling, in Jinling, Nihuang is again in Jinling! Xia Dong gets the news faster than most. She received a letter about three months ago from Nihuang stating her intent, and then letters updating her on the preparations being made. However, she doesn’t hear about Nihuang’s arrival from Nihuang herself, but rather from another agent at the Xuanjing Bureau reporting the news. Xuanjing Bureau hears of all influential arrivals promptly.

She can’t free herself to go see Nihuang immediately, but as she finishes the day’s work (mostly just a long report), her thoughts wander. It has been years now since she last saw Nihuang, although they had kept in touch. Their acquaintance is not exactly a constant one. Nor a simple one. At times like this, about to see Nihuang for the first time in so long, she thinks back—further than the last time they saw each other—back to early times after the Chiyan conspiracy, back to screaming arguments and deadlier silences, to the days when they had to walk delicately around each other. She feels the tangle of old complications tighten in her chest.

Every time she leaves Nihuang, she regrets it. But after a month or two apart, she feels a little relieved. Nihuang and she fit together so well, but there is some pain in the matching, and some guilt. If must be insane to love the woman whose fiance plotted against her dead husband. It must be wrong. And she knows what Nihuang still believes. She knows Nihuang still clings to treacherous past connections. Perhaps for Xia Dong and Nihuang to be apart is better. Isn’t it?

When she receives a letter from Nihuang, she always reads it eagerly. And then stows it away. And then rereads it later, and over-analyzes it, hunting for affection when she’s in a good mood and treason when she’s in a bad one.

When she’s away from Nihuang, sometimes she can almost forget her.

When the chance comes to see Nihuang again, she always wants to be hesitant, reluctant. And yet she never truly is.

As soon as she can pull herself away, she heads over to Mu Manor. Nihuang is still standing in the courtyard directing servants where to put what—she and Mu Qing have been away for years, and the house has laid empty all that time. There is cleaning to be done, and furniture and decorations to move in. Xia Dong feels embarrassed—forget her own qualms, what an inconvenient time she’s chosen to visit—and then Nihuang looks up and sees her, and a grin breaks across her face.

She greets Xia Dong with first a brief nod and then a drawn sword, a lunge in Xia Dong’s direction. Xia Dong dodges, then draws quickly to counter her next strike. They spar around the courtyard while the servants cower and Mu Qing shouts encouragement.

At last they land, panting. No decisive victor, but it’s obvious who is the superior swordswoman. Xia Dong bows. “All respect to General Mu. You have become even more formidable.”

“Officer Xia has also improved,” Nihuang says formally, but she’s still grinning, and loose strands of hair have fallen across her face, loosed by the wild sparring. She is more general than princess, as always, but even more, she is… She is Nihuang. Xia Dong reaches over and tucks the hairs behind her ear, and Nihuang catches her hand, holds it for a moment, and kisses it.

Xia Dong bites her lip and fights embarrassment. There is not a single person in the courtyard who is not giving them a knowing look. At least this is Mu Manor and not the Xuanjing Bureau. She’ll have to remind Nihuang that outside Nihuang’s own territory, they need to be discreet.

“There are so many things I have to tell you about,” Nihuang says. “It’s been so long… Qing’er, you’ll keep an eye on things, won’t you? I should bring Xia Dong inside for a talk.”

“Eh, what if I want to catch up with Dong-jie too?” Mu Qing asks. But Nihuang gives him a stern look, and he relents. So Nihuang brings Xia Dong back—to her room, which is still only half-furnished, and surely not a place to be entertaining guests anyhow.

“Are you feeling impatient, Nihuang?”

“Well, we don’t necessarily have to do anything. But I wanted to see you in private.” Nihuang shrugs. She sits down on her bed, and Xia Dong sits next to her. “How have you been, Xia Dong?”

“Well.”

“That’s good.”

And for a moment the air between them is tense and tangled, and Xia Dong is thinking about all those things she thinks about when they are apart, and they are still distant. But Nihuang is looking at her, and all those inhibitions seem like nightmares that dissolve in the light that radiates from Nihuang’s eyes. So she kisses Nihuang’s lips, and touches her hair—skin so tender, hair so soft. And the air all around them is clear, except for motes of dust left from the manor’s long abandonment, which dance in the windows, unheeded. For what has dust to do with lovers—and, faced with such a glad reunion, what business has doubt with love?

She holds Nihuang close and says, “I was well, but I missed you.” And Nihuang’s response is a smile as she begins to kiss Xia Dong’s neck.